Born Different Read online

  Gina realised that she had been brave for Gabe and for herself and for her clients for so long that she had forgotten and lost sight of who she actually was. Gina had taken double her medication today so she felt like she was a bit out of it but she had a lot to be happy about. She had to keep an eye on herself, she knew that she could get manic as well as down and it was hard to tell sometimes, if being ecstatically joyful was a high or just joy; real life joy of living when things finally seemed to be going well. Or was it just the medication kicking in? Did it matter? Did you have to have lows in order to feel the highs, was there a payback for everything or was possible to be happy most if not all of the time? Especially if good things happened.

  Gina had a day full of clients, the ones she’d had to cancel yesterday wanting next available spaces as soon as possible, on top of the people she already had booked in today. People to help, people to feel compassion for, people that others thought had perfect lives on the outside who were suffering terrible things. Gina realised that she had been doing this job every day now for years and there were still people coming, it was a never ending well, a black hole of broken hearts that wanted more love to heal.

  Yet Gina felt that she couldn’t talk about herself to anyone. Lately, she often wondered if this really was the job for her, being the ear for all this information and the shoulder for all this emotional pain. Maybe she couldn’t take it anymore, the gift and gratitude for being able to help people was now being outweighed. Maybe, she thought, she was even sicker than they were. What if what she offered never helped anyone, that however much she tried, at the end of the day, it was always up to the individual to get themselves better. To make the changes. Perhaps she was doing nothing more than putting a sticky plaster on a far greater wound that needed the person inflicted to stop the cause, the root problem, usually the one thing that they never mentioned. Gina needed to get away. The economies of the world had gone into free fall and she thought that hackers were probably coming to take over the world and she hoped that this was for a force for good. She didn’t know anything anymore and wondered if she ever had. She could either let that send her mad or accept that this might be true. You could play by the rules and do all the right things and still end up in a bad place wondering why you just didn’t follow your heart in the first instance. Gina had dreamed of a life as different to this one as it was possible but it wasn’t too late was it? To go chasing dreams. Chasing rainbows. Gina was realising that there was as much to lose by doing the right thing, as there was by doing what your real passions were.

  “Hey mum, you look a million miles away.”

  “Just day dreaming Gabe, just dancing with my wild imagination.”

  “Hmm, sounds familiar. Sounds to me like you need to meditate.”

  Gina laughed as that was what she always said to Gabe.

  Gabe knew he had to be out of the house all day today and that it was going to be a scorcher but he knew what he wanted to do. He wanted to take Grace to the seaside.

  Chapter 21

  As Gabe and Grace saw the sea coming into view on the horizon, they both whooped for joy in excitement. The sun was on fire and it lit up the car in a white halo glow, everything felt warm and glittery. Time slowed down and it was like everything was brand new as the colours were so bright and vivid.

  They walked down to the beach, hand in hand like lovers. They breathed in the salt air and noticed all the different people packing out the seafront; the old people on deck chairs, the little kids making sand castles and the other teenagers surfing and flirting and drinking cans of beer. There were lots of proper drunks too, chavs and punks, bikers and travellers, and other ‘end of the land’ people. People that ran away from their lives and got as far as they could go, till the vast oceans were all that stopped them going any further. The mixture of people at the shores was the mix of hope, of dreams in fruition and of despair where dreams no longer dwelled.

  The seaside always made Gabe nervous and excited in equal measure and being with Grace on top of these emotions, Gabe was buzzing.

  They headed for the promenade of arcades, fish and chip shops and candy floss decorated stalls. They stopped at the first flashing red and yellow light bulbs that framed the huge arcades and Grace disappeared deep into the labyrinth of the mechanical game stations and got herself a small plastic container of 2ps from the dispensing machine, thrilled already with the sound of money crashing down, like she had already won something. They both felt it, that they had won something already, the jackpot.

  Gabe wanted to go and win Grace some teddies.

  “You not going to watch me?”

  “Gabe, I am not going to watch you like some silly little girl watching her boyfriend. Oohing and aahing.” Grace gave him a wink and turned her attention to the flashing strobes of colourful lights and the mixed melodies of the chiming and ringing of the addictive arcade games.

  Her boyfriend, she had said her boyfriend. Gabe was a boyfriend, Grace’s boyfriend. It took all Gabe’s strength not to do a little dance of joy.

  Gabe won three teddies and ran out of change so he went to find Grace. He couldn’t find her, she wasn’t by the 2p machines or the 10p machines or even by the over eighteen roped off section.

  Gabe looked in the next door arcade. There was no sign of Grace, she was nowhere. He waited outside the ladies toilets while keeping an eye on the gents. Ten minutes passed, nothing. Gabe was staring to get a little bit panic stricken, where the fuck had she gone? Had she left him? Had she been taken? Had she had second thoughts and run away, got the train home?

  Gabe ran out onto the street and was about to shout her name when he caught sight of her on the other side of the road by the entrance to the beach. She was talking to a group of people. Gabe strained to see who it was and his heart sank and his stomach rose to his throat to form a lump as he realised it was her brother. It was Nathaniel and with him were some guys from school. And then there he was, unmistakable. It was Alistair.

  Grace didn’t look over. She was talking to them and moving her hands around a lot. Then Nathaniel pushed her and Grace shook her head and patted her pockets.

  Should he go over there? But what the fuck to do, thought Gabe. Get beaten up? Get Grace into trouble? Even more trouble!

  Grace turned and caught his eye and subtly signalled to him to cross the road up ahead. Gabe walked up the road without taking his eyes off her and crossed, jaywalking, dodging the cars that hooted at him but he didn’t care. Gabe was getting so pumped full of adrenalin he felt like he could lift the bloody cars off the road.

  Gabe waited by the railings, out of sight, until Nathaniel, Alistair and the rest left. As they walked off, Nathaniel pushed Grace on his way past and Gabe wanted to run over and whip the little tossers arse. Instead, he waited for Grace to walk towards him and as she got closer he could see that she was crying.

  “You ok?”

  “No, not really.”

  “What did he want?”

  “Money, same old thing. Money. They were going on about some old box or something. I don’t know Gabe. They were looking for your friends.”

  “I am so sorry Grace. I didn’t know what to do.”

  “It’s not your fault Gabe.”

  “But I think it might be Grace.”

  As Gabe looked over his shoulder, to make sure he could see the back of the other group disappearing up the road, Nathaniel turned around and locked on at Gabe looking at him. Gabe, with one arm around Grace and the other still holding all the teddies. Nathaniel shouted something and all the other men with him, jumped around and clocked Gabe too. Before he knew it, they had all started running towards him and Grace, shouting.

  “Grace run!”

  The gang behind them were catching up fast. They were faster and they far out-numbered the two of them.

  Gabe could let go of Grace’s hand and let her run up ahead and he could stand there and face them. He could also run quicker if he took off some of his clothes, hell he could
fly. This was one of those moments when having the ability to fly would have come in really handy. The one time he could have the opportunity to act like a hero. But he wasn’t. Gabe realised that he was just going to have to get beaten up. He was going to have to take it. Hopefully they would keep him clothed and keep it quick. Surely, with all these people about, the beating wouldn’t last long. Surely someone would call 999 and ask for the police or an ambulance and it would all be over. All those men, against just him not offering any form of self defence, it would be all over in less than a second.

  So Gabe let go of Graces hand.

  “Run Grace! Get out of here!” Gabe stopped running and he turned around to face the impending storm that was heading towards him.

  He took a quick estimation that there were seven or eight of them, he didn’t stand a chance. He had no money on him, he didn’t know where his friends were, let alone the box. He had nothing to barter with. So Gabe just stood there tall and still and he opened his arms out wide, as if to say, “Here I am, just do what you have to do!”

  Gabe closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable.

  But nothing happened. Gabe was thinking it had all gone a bit too quiet. Had the onslaught been so quick and efficient that although he was lying somewhere unconscious, his mind still thought it was waiting?

  Gabe opened his eyes to see the threatening gang before him but at his sides were none other than Dave, Frank and Johnny.

  “You alright mate?” Dave offered casually.

  “Day at the seaside with the missus?” Johnny nodded behind them to where Grace was standing.

  “Yeah, that’s right, me and Grace.” Gabe stared Johnny down with a look of so many words. Yes him and Grace, after everything they’d said to him.

  “See you’re still good at winning the teddies? Ha ha! At least you got someone to give them to now. Sorry Gabe!” Frank smiled at Gabe and Gabe knew that even if that didn’t make everything alright, they were there for him now, when he needed them.

  “So boys how do you want to play this?” Dave took off his thick gold linked necklace, Frank predictably jumped into one of his warrior poses and Johnny puffed himself up taller, wider and bigger and he looked at everyone in the threatening gang with a face that read like a man who took no prisoners.

  “Relax kids will you. We’re just here to give Alistair back his box.” But Frank and Dave stayed in position, mirroring their enemy.

  Alistair walked forward from his gang with a big rolled up bundle of twenty pound notes in his hand. “You’re a bit late.”

  “Better late than never eh! Tell me Alistair, what’s in the box that is so bloody important to you?” Johnny tried to use his words carefully.

  “Does it matter?” Alistair looked like he was going to cry and the group of people now in battle stance, ready to fight, were not quite sure if what they were seeing was true and if it was, what to do with themselves.

  “No not really, I just can’t imagine what is more important than money to you Alistair.” Gabe looked at Johnny and wondered if he realised that he would be wise to listen to his own words.

  “That is because you don’t know me Johnny. And you Frank, why are you standing like that against me? What the fuck is that all about? Do you hate me now?”

  Frank stood up straight and did actually cry. “No, of course not. I love you.”

  “What the fuck!” Dave and Johnny said simultaneously, suddenly more aware of why Frank had been so adamant they gave the box back even before Alistair had made them the cash offer Johnny couldn’t refuse.

  Alistair continued to explain himself. “That box that you took. Inside that box are my good memories. My mum moved away, divorced my dad about eight years ago. She got remarried and she wanted me to live with her but I stayed with my dad, for the money, for the lifestyle. This new guy had nothing, not a pot to piss in. I thought they were idiots.

  My mum had a stroke, a year ago. She’s in a home. My dad doesn’t care but her husband is lovely to her. He sits and he looks after her, does everything when she can’t do anything for herself. He truly loves her. I saw that love. She’s not going to make it, my mum. And...and...that love, the love he gives her, the love she gave me as a kid...that is what is worth everything. And I fucked it up. I treated her like shit so that I could have nice stuff. Now all I’ve got that is genuine true love is in that box, the stuff from being a kid, photos, things she knitted, reminders of my mum’s love for me.” Alistair broke down. He broke down as much as any of them had ever witnessed a man break down. He was broken, so broken that he no longer cared if all those people that looked up to him, saw him cry. He knew it didn’t matter anymore.

  And for some reason, to each of them for different reasons, the story broke their hearts. They had thought that Alastair was someone else, they hadn’t for one moment thought that his life was anything but perfect.

  “You can have the box back mate, I’m sorry, I didn’t know.” Johnny looked and sounded broken too, his posture had completely changed and he was acting in a way that Gabe had never seen in him before, or not for a long while anyway. What had life done to them?

  “Look Johnny, I’m out the game now. I’ve not really wanted to be in it for a while. I was just working for my dad for the summer to save up some money. I thought I’d move nearer my mum after school but then I met Frank. I just don’t want what you want anymore Johnny. I don’t want money above all else, I don’t want to fuck people up any more than I have done. I’m sorry what the guys did to your dad, that wasn’t supposed to happen, they got carried away, high on drugs, pretending to be movie stars. Like I taught them to be. I’ve been selfish and it’s made me so unhappy. I just want to get on with my life now and rebuild it if that is at all possible. Clean slate, make my mum proud of me, even if she will never perhaps know or be able to tell me.”

  Frank ran over to Alastair and threw his arms around him.

  Alistair had never even truly admitted to himself his own feelings, let alone to anyone else. He had wanted to tell Frank but had only succeeded in pushing him away instead.

  Alistair threw the wad of noted at Johnny.

  “Have it Johnny, buy whatever you want, whatever you think will make you happy. Get all the quick fixes you need, I’m done with them.”

  Gabe took hold of Grace’s hand and they walked away from their people. They walked until they were out of view, and then they ran. They ran as fast as they could, up stairs and up roads and past shops and down alleyways until they couldn’t run any longer and they collapsed into one another against the old walls of some unused alley way. A dark and quiet space away from the bustle of the seaside town. Grace was weeping and gulping for breath.

  “Damn! I dropped my teddies!” Gabe realised and Grace had to laugh a little at the craziness of it all.

  Up this close Gabe couldn’t help but start kissing her again, gently at first. Through Grace’s laughter and tears, Gabe kissed her wet mouth and he kissed her tears away from her face and he kissed the tears that followed as soon as they left her eyes. And she laughed as he kissed the sides of her mouth.

  Gabe couldn’t help himself and he pushed her against the wall with the full force of his body and she let out a moan, a moan not of pain, but of pleasure. She held on tight to him, so tight that Gabe felt like he could breathe her in. Gabe wished he could just melt her into him so that she could never leave him and would always be a part of him.

  They stayed here in the quiet of the back streets in a safe haven from the crowds of pedestrians and holiday makers, kissing and necking and touching each other until they had no more energy.

  “Do you want to go home or shall we camp out at our special place? We could go to a supermarket and get some food and stuff?”

  “Oh Gabe, as if that is even a question!” Grace smiled at him but her eyes were so full of sorrow.

  “Are you still sad?”

  “Of course. Are you not sad Gabe? Are you not upset that life is so shitty? Everything is fucke
d up. Everyone is fucked up. No one knows what the hell they are doing. Everyone is so brainwashed and unfriendly, life is not celebrated as it should be. There is such inequality when there is more than enough for everyone. You can paint but yet you steal! And I know why, I understand. No fucker wants original quality art as they’re too busy wanking on the internet or getting pissed. You’ve got these lovely wings and yet you have had to walk around all bandaged up and everything. In pain, sweating, uncomfortable like constant self-flagellation. Everyone has all their values mixed up and kids don’t stand a chance as the people in charge of them, telling them what to do, are doing it all wrong themselves! It makes me sad and angry Gabe. It’s alright for you, you can do something, you got a talent and you can travel and do what you want and I have to marry some rich guy and look pretty, smiling all day. Spend the rest of my life not feeling quite good or beautiful enough. Not allowed to have any real ambitions of my own. And my parents? I might as well be an orphan. I’ve nursed mum for years; wiped her arse, fed her, kept up all the lies. You’ve got a mum Gabe, you don’t know what it is like. You think your bloody wings are a burden? Ha, you don’t know the half of it. Try pretending to be the perfect family whilst drinking all the time just to cope with the everyday life nightmare of the reality of it. Are you not angry Gabe?”

  “I am angry Grace, I am. You do not know how angry I am. But I’m not when I’m with you. Hell, I’m the happiest man alive when I am with you. And that’s a start eh! We can be angry, shit me I have been angry everyday for as long as I can remember and look where it got me? And what do we want to see in the world? Harmony, love, respect, integrity, honesty, kindness...For people to support each other rather than pull each other down. Truths over possessions. Everyone living with peace in nature instead of having all this whimsical want for tat! We can go on in just anger or we can...or we can try and spread the love. Be the change we want to see in the world. Or, I don’t know, we can just fly high up above all the others and see the pretty patterns they make from a distance and say to ourselves how sorry we are for them that they live their lives out that way.” Gabe took her hand and he started skipping, out of their hiding place and up the road.