Born Different Page 3

  Gabe was then more petrified about people trying to save his life for fear that they would see his wings, than of dying! When of course they would have all seen his wings anyway but at least then he would be dead.

  Panicking during a panic attack is just about the worst thing you can do. Thinking back to the incident now, Gabe reddened and shook his head at the thought of himself pathetically pleading, somehow through his own blind terror, with the growing crowd not to approach, not call an ambulance. Just on the small off chance that he might live.

  The worst thing about the whole incident was that Grace, the Grace that didn’t usually notice that Gabe existed, had come up to him. She had told him that everything was going to be OK. She told him to breath, to stay calm. She had touched his arm, told him that it was just a panic attack and that he’d be alright in a minute.

  He couldn’t look at her, he had to just close his eyes and try to think, to focus on staying alive. Focus on an inner light, on convincing his lungs that it was OK to take in air again.

  Soon he was breathing ‘sort of’ normally and he was embarrassed, mortified, blushing as much out of shame as lack of air. It had passed, everything back to normal like nothing had ever happened. But that fear, that new depth of ‘facing death’ terror, that had never left him.

  Sometimes; when something happened now, like there were too many people in a room encroaching on his personal space or if he was doing something that knew he shouldn’t really be doing, which was happening now more so than ever; Gabe felt it again instantly, usually only briefly but almost as intensely as those first few breaths into that panic attack. When everything stops still in suspended animation for a few long lucid seconds and Gabe recognises that different, dry, metallic, pungent taste in his mouth. That now familiar taste of all-consuming fear.

  That day, Gabe had learnt two things; one was the knowledge of a new depth and dimension of terror and the other was that he now knew, without an absolute shadow of a doubt, that he would rather die than let anyone know his secret.

  And now after two long and laborious years on top of the five he had already spent at secondary school, it was all over. Only, like a caged animal, Gabe was now familiar with his surroundings. And as the day of freedom approached, Gabe was now thinking and beginning to suspect and worry that perhaps he didn’t quite know how he would survive out in the wild.

  Not that Gabe thought of the school environment as his world, that zoo with the other animals in it. But at least here he knew his place. He had fallen into a role and character. It was not the best one, the leading role, the jock or the girl magnet, it certainly was not a role he would ever have chosen for himself but it was not the worst one either. Gabe was ‘the kid with the hump’!

  There were certain kids far worse off than Gabe in the school meat market, he knew that. Hell he was best friends with some of them! Had been best friends with them Gabe reminded himself but now his life, future and sanity would be better if he walked away from them too.

  Chapter 3

  From the pile of clothes on the floor, Gabe pulled out the first jumper that came to hand and put it on over his shirts, t-shirt, vest and the swathes of bandages. He made a series of last checks to make sure that everything was concealed completely and then he did the finishing adjustments for pain; rearranging himself, trying to get as comfortable as possible. Making sure that not too much of the mottled red rash skin was appearing over the neck line. No visible tell-tale blood spots.

  When Gabe was finally content that he was completely, utterly and totally hidden, only then did he feel safe enough to open up the curtains and tilt the blinds to let in some light and reveal the new day.

  Gabe peered through the gap in one of the slats so that he could see out to the grey skies and beyond. Everything was still wet with the tail end of last night’s storm that was still pissing it down; puddles of water covered every surface and there was not an inch of sun in sight. And Gabe thought that only he could gleam a little delight out of this depressing scene of summer.

  Everyone else was always hoping for sun and warmth so that they could throw their clothes off and walk around half naked. One day, Gabe thought, he would like a tan and be able to throw his clothes off with the same carefree abandon like everyone else did. Without a care in the world, walking around enjoying the good weather. It was all anyone ever seemed to go on about. Sunny days, beach holidays, suntans, nice sunny weather. It drove Gabe mad but at the same time he would have given anything to do the simple things that most other people took for granted.

  Gabe was so often forced to go against the grain of what everyone else thought was acceptable or enjoyable to do and not because he always wanted to, even though that is what everyone else had to presume and think. Gabe believed he couldn’t be more damned if he tried.

  Out in the pouring rain it was a day like any other. Grid lock traffic, people busy getting from A to B, living out their routines, their lives. Day after day. The red brick houses topped with grey slated roofs lined up, one after another. The cars, sat bumper to bumper, belching out further plumes of grey. In all of its chaos, it looked static. Day in day out, it looked as if nothing ever really changed.

  Looking out of the window, Gabe always had the urge to jump, to fly. If only he could rip off his bandages and open his bedroom window and just fly straight out, he thought. Give today a miss and just fly up high above all this instead and see it all for what it really was, insignificant in the grand scheme of things or all so vitally important? He wasn’t sure.

  But Gabe couldn’t fly, even if he wanted to. His wings were too weak. Gabe was certain that if he just pulled up the blinds, opened the window, stood on the ledge and jumped now, he would only go straight down and hit the ground hard. Possibly breaking both his legs and destroying his mum’s flowers in the process and no doubt causing her to worry that he had finally lost the plot.

  But that didn’t stop him wanting! Gabe really, really, just wanted to soar up into the sky and be free. He wanted to glide around for a bit in the space where there were no other humans, no shops, no cars, no school, no exams. No money so therefore no lack of it. No stress and hassle and pressure. Just the sky and limitless possibilities. The sky, Gabe thought as he looked at the black clouds rolling away, was the greatest canvas of them all. Ever changing, never the same sky twice. The gateway that led on to the rest of the universe, to far further than Gabe could possibly imagine and even when he tried to imagine how far infinity might be, it blew his mind away.

  And somewhere inside him, even if he didn’t hear it, there was a knowing, deeper whisper that left him yearning. It was telling him what he knew but daren’t acknowledge; that he could be there, should be there even. But he wasn’t!

  Gabe didn’t much like his current reality. He seemed to be living in the wrong one. One where he didn’t fit. He was square peg in a school of round holes. He knew it was all a miracle; The Big Bang, The Solar System, The World, Evolution, life and being born, being conscious. From the centre of the earth to the very edge of the universe and everything in between, Gabe thought was a miracle. He wanted to know the answers to it all and try and figure some of it out. But it blew his mind. Like the chances of being born as you...’the individual you’ were impossible, like winning the lottery over a hundred times over, and the jackpot, not just a tenner. Gabe knew that every day and every little thing and every single person was a mind blowing miracle but reality didn’t seem to reflect much of that! No one else seemed to realise or care.

  For whatever reason, Gabe saw that people just wanted to get on with their day, their plans, their deadlines, their routines, their lives. And it all looked pretty boring and mundane. Perhaps, if everyone knew how special and unique and lucky they were, what a complete miracle everything was, then they would celebrate every day. Celebrate life, celebrate their similarities and their differences, be kind and friendly and dance down the street. Sing a merry tune. Just be a bit more bloody jolly about the whole situation.
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  Gabe tried to like people, he tried to like everybody or at least try and see some good. He had read somewhere that the thing that you most disliked about someone was nearly always the thing that you despised most about yourself. Gabe still hadn’t figured that one out yet. It could very well be one of those things that needed to go into the psychobabble bin. Or it applied to the masses but not to him, as he often realised. But Gabe found it too hard to see other men and women as his spiritual brothers and sisters when they were invariably so ignorant and boring or just plain unfathomable. It wasn’t that he didn’t like them, more that he just did not get them.

  To Gabe, there was a bit of a vacuum between him and them. That’s what it was. Like a vast gulf or a giant valley. It may not have been visible but they all felt it.

  Gabe looked out at all the faces in the street and he didn’t know why everyone was so miserable. Perhaps it was for the best, the way things had worked out what with all the evil and suffering that was about too. Perhaps if everyone just celebrated and partied all the time, nothing would ever get done. If there was no order and routine, no people in power or government telling people what to do, no laws or rules, would most people just descend into savage like behaviours? Were the majority of people not able to self-govern themselves, with their own high standard human right morals and human kind principles? Would they ever be?

  But the way things were now, with everyone always so busy and so stressed out and suffering from this, that and the other, there had to be a better way. Gabe had read that in the sixties they took LSD to open their minds but now, they took Prozac to block out their minds! And Gabe didn’t believe much of what he read, Gabe reminded himself that everything was invariably lies and that he had to do his own research before he believed in anything, but Gabe could believe that.

  As Gabe watched everyone getting wet in the rain, making themselves ill to go and clock in somewhere for the day, he wondered why it wasn’t preferential to have a more simpler life, even if that meant only having what you needed. Would that be such a bad thing? If everyone had just what they needed? And if they weren’t so busy, could the masses be trusted with more free time on their hands? Could people be trusted to educate themselves without having to be locked in a class room and forced to learn? Was all this misery optional? Did everyone need to work like slaves just to buy the latest ‘must have’ bit of stuff? To work their way up some invisible ladder so that other respected them for that rather than for their true qualities. Or was all this a part of the next crucial step in evolution? And did it really matter? And how the hell, thought Gabe, was he going to go about sorting out the whole world’s problems when he struggled to cope with his own?

  As Gabe looked out between the slats of the blinds of his bedroom window, out to the far reaching grey of the real world going about its business, it cast a dark shadow over his heart and left him with a passionate desire to live out his life another way.

  And then there she was. Grace. Like a welcoming ray of golden light and clarity breaking through the grey clouds of dark reality. Grace was secretly the reason behind Gabe’s own morning routine. He knew he would see her if he was ready in time. Grace was walking to school at the same time, like clockwork, like she always did, always had done, every school day for years. And now it was the end of the last year and she would probably never walk past his house ever again. Her routine was going to change and she would, in the very near future, be walking another way.

  Chapter 4

  Gabe had first met Grace a long time ago. They had been friends in infant school and then for a while in the juniors; then Grace’s family had moved house to a better area. Grace had gone to another school and Gabe’s life had filled up with the friends he still had now. Gabe might even have totally forgotten about ever having had Grace in his life but Grace had turned up again in the same secondary school. Where now everything was very different. Their eyes and minds had been opened up to all the other stuff in those few years apart.

  The name of the game at secondary school was to fit in and be liked and Grace had naturally been absorbed into the crowd of The Beautiful. Gabe had no other option other than to fall into the crowd of The Damned. There were lots of other gangs and cliques and other students but as far as Gabe was concerned, there was Grace and her friends at the top, high and bright, and him and his friends at the other end of the spectrum in the school hierarchy; at the bottom of the heap, as low as you could go without falling off the edge completely and into oblivion. And everyone else, Gabe and his friends just bulked together as being in the middle.

  Gabe remembered the first day Grace had turned back up in his life again. A lot was happening that year; Dave’s father had been arrested, Frank’s mum had died of cancer and Johnny, looking back knowing what he knew now, Gabe knew that he would have certainly already had committed his first crime and perhaps even took his first drug. Everything had already started falling apart.

  But when Gabe had set eyes on Grace again, not only was she stunningly beautiful but Gabe had been transported back to the memories of those days of being a little kid again and he had realised that he had felt more like himself then, a himself that he had liked being.

  Grace seemed to have remained pure, while Gabe and his friends and their lives were rapidly going downhill to a darker place. They were skidding along rock bottom and they were probably irretrievably damaged already. But not Grace. Grace had appeared like an angel, clean and beautiful and somehow more knowing. She did not appear to have any of the hang-ups or esteem and confidence issues that Gabe had. Gabe thought that Grace must have been born knowing exactly how you went about being a beautiful human being. She was blessed. She was just perfect.

  But Gabe never spoke to Grace. He avoided interacting with her in any which way, shape or form. But there was just something about her that had captured his attention and it wouldn’t let go. And, he had to admit it to himself, he had become a little obsessed with her.

  But it was all a joke really as Gabe knew that he was the last man on earth that Grace would ever look at. She would never like someone like him but that did nothing to stop him feeling like he needed her.

  He had stood there in the half dark, most mornings, for the last few years; looking for her, waiting for her and watching her.

  Wanting her.

  Loving her.

  Was it Love? Gabe thought so! The enormity of the feelings that he had for her couldn’t be anything else other than love. Or was it infatuation? Could you really love someone that you didn't really know anymore? Someone that you didn’t really ever speak to. Someone that was so different to you. Was it all really a bit on the stalker side and should he give it up and get himself a life? Gabe was torn by his heart’s absolute desire for Grace and his intellect knowing that it would be absolutely impossible.

  Grace was the light to his dark, the genius to his fool, the cool to his awkwardness. She was the beauty to his beast. He knew that he should try and forget her and not torture himself. Wanting something that you can never have is exciting for a while but there comes a point when it is just draining and it becomes wiser to focus instead on the things that make you feel better, that are perhaps slightly more achievable.

  But Gabe preferred to torture himself. Grace was like a habit or an addiction that he just couldn’t let go of. He had tried to turn his attentions away from her but all that had achieved was cementing his realisation that nothing compared to her.

  Grace, Grace, Grace.

  Her name had become like mantra to him.

  Now that there were only the last few exams left to take, that was the only reason for going to school, unless you wanted to prepare for The Exhibition like Gabe was supposed to be doing. But Grace didn’t take Art. She didn’t take any of the subjects Gabe did. Grace was all sciences. Grace was the science to his art. Grace was all about facts and Gabe had to rely on fantasies.

  Perfect Grace.

  Imperfect Gabe.

  This morning, probably one
of the very last when he would still be able to, Gabe watched Grace walk elegantly past and into the distance and was surprised to see a man join her under her umbrella. Grace usually always walked alone to school in the morning.

  The man confidently put his arm around Grace and Gabe saw that the man in question was Alistair. Gabe felt a kick to the stomach and a punch to his heart that knocked him back from the window. Alistair, one of Grace’s clique. Another wealthy, beautiful and gifted life member. How could he ever compete? Grace must be dating him or at least Alistair was trying it on with her if he hadn’t already. What was he thinking? They were probably going out with each other, doing everything. Fucking. Gabe couldn’t help himself instantly picturing the image of Grace and Alistair naked together in a passionate embrace and he tried to block the image from his eyes with his palms of his hands and, for a split second, Gabe wished that he was Alistair.

  Then he could do all of the things that he wanted to do with ease. As it was, he would have a hard time doing anything decent. His path would be one of suffering and struggle, as that was the hand that he had been dealt. Gabe had neither the balls nor the self-confidence to even talk to Grace, let alone just go up to her and put his arm around her. She was in a different league and he had to accept that. But it still pissed him off! It should be his arm, it should be him. Gabe caught his disfigured appearance in the mirror. It should be...if it wasn’t for the wings.