Born Different Page 15

  In the early hours Grace woke him, she kissed Gabe on his cheek and he woke up half dreaming with a smile on his face.

  “Hey beautiful,” he said without thinking.

  “Shall we go into the tent Gabe? It’s getting a bit cold.” Gabe realised that he wasn’t dreaming and he wished he hadn’t called her beautiful. He began to feel embarrassed. But she had kissed him, right? Hadn’t she or was that part of the dream too?

  Gabe had already filled the tent with blankets and pillows, more so that they didn’t get wet, but now it was a really comfortable space and they both flopped into the tent and lay down among all the cushions.

  “You were prepared weren’t you Gabe?”

  Gabe didn’t want Grace to think he did this sort of thing all of the time, with different girls. Not that he did of course, about as far from it as it was possible, but to explain that would that sound odd too.

  “Mum keeps some things in the car. We used to go off camping a lot, not so much anymore. She used to have to just get out of the city at weekends, me too. But we just got busy I guess. Didn’t one weekend, then the next…”

  “She’s like a free spirit your mum, isn’t she? I hope I’m like her when I’m older.”

  Gabe laughed as he always assumed that people didn’t really look up to his mum, even though he didn’t know why they shouldn’t. She was the nicest person he knew but people tended to go for the ones who seemed more normal or more high maintenance, with loads of make-up on to make them appear more glamorous.

  “Really? Yes, I suppose.”

  “She is wonderful, don’t you think?”

  Gabe didn’t want to talk about his mum so he playfully squeezed Graces side till she giggled. Still drowsy, she cuddled up next to him, right into his chest and she acted like she was shivering cold and rubbed herself like she was trying to warm up. Gabe reached out and zipped the tent door shut and he pulled the blankets up around them. He laid his head down next to Grace’s. Grace was yawning and obviously half asleep but she took his hand and moved it around her waist so that he had her in his arms and he waited for her to fall asleep again. He wondered if she would kiss him again or go any further. How was he going to react? When would she ask about his back? When should he bring up the subject? How would he bring up the subject? In a way, he wished he had already, at least then it would be over and done with and she could run off or do whatever she was going to do. But everything was just so nice as it was and Gabe didn’t want to do anything to spoil it. He wrapped his arms around her tight now and cradled her inside the concave of his body and she nuzzled into him and got as close as she could get. She moved her hands around his waist too and he could feel Grace stroking his lower back. He could feel her breath and her breasts on his torso.

  Gabe noticed how his body heat warmed her up, enveloped her. He felt their hearts start to beat in rhythm as they slowed right down. He felt their bodies melt to form one being, until they were like one heart, one body, dreaming one dream.

  When the sun rose bright and early, Gabe let himself out of the tent without waking Grace and he walked for a while till he got to the cliff’s edge. He sat staring out at the distance of the new dawn until he felt Grace sit down beside him as she too looked out towards the rising sun. Everything was new and perfect, it really was a pure morning.

  Chapter 17

  The Outcasts park was getting fuller now with all the kids that had nothing to do while they waited all summer for their results to be in from their exams. Gabe and the usual crew met in their corner that they now thought as theirs exclusively. They sat down in a circle and were talking the usual. Gabe needed to ask for help with the transportation of his art for The Exhibition, one last favour. And of course they wanted to help which made Gabe feel bad as he knew that they cared for him really. He guessed that no one had heard about him spending time with Grace as they didn’t mention it and Gabe wasn’t about to tell them.

  Johnny cracked opened a pack of beers and gave everyone a large can and they saluted each other in a cheer.

  “To the future!”

  “The Exhibition!”

  “To life, to love, to laughter. To lessons learn and to going legit.”

  They all cheered in agreement.

  “Which one of you is Gabe?”

  A man had appeared in their space as if out of nowhere. He was only short and skinny but seeing as they were all sat down, he towered above them blocking out their sun.

  The boys all looked at each other, not knowing what to do. They wouldn’t offer up who Gabe was, but most people had it sussed already, as it was pretty easy to tell which one ‘Gabe’ was even before you had met him. Like if someone had enquired for Dave, people would have said, “You know, the one that shaves hair. The one with the chain!” And they’d go, “Oh yes, I know the one you mean.” Or Frank, “The one that’s into all that martial art shit. The camp one.” Everyone knew Johnny anyway, he needed no explanation. And Gabe. “You know the tall one. The one with the hump.”

  Everyone knew of the guy with the hump.

  “Yeah, I’m Gabe!” Gabe put his can of beer on the ground and stood up.

  “Stay away from Grace, you freak! This is not a warning, this is a fucking threat. I am telling you, stay away from her! I do not need to spell it out to you. She is not your type do you get it? She is too good for you! Stay away from her or…” This other skinny man was now shaking and spitting.

  Johnny, ever the charmer, stood up too. “Can I help you?”

  “Gabe knows what I’m talking about.”

  Gabe didn’t really know how to answer. He thought he should say something brave or funny but his brain had just froze to empty. So instead, he said nothing and tried to keep himself contained.

  Gabe put his shoulders back and he tried to remember to stand tall and to look this other man in the eye.

  “Fuck off!” Dave said eventually. “Fuck off out of here!” He went to get up whilst starting to take his gold chain necklace off and Frank jumped up quick, into a stance of a warrior preparing to fight, and the other guy backed off two steps in a topple, like he felt the force of Franks energy push him back. And whatever Dave did worked as he seemed a little bit freaked out by it and he turned and scurried away before Dave had even managed to get to his feet.

  Gabe sat down, emotionally exhausted. He was confused, angry, hurt and sad. It was all over before it had begun.

  “You know who that was don’t you? That was Grace’s brother, Nathan. Nathaniel! ” Frank looked at Gabe accusingly.

  “Her brother! Jeez, I thought I recognised him,” said Johnny who had been trying to place where he had seen this skinny man on his travels. “He looks different, he looks ill.”

  “What the fuck was he going on about Gabe?” Frank had got hysterical in record time.

  “Nothing!” Gabe looked down at the ground, focusing on the droplets of beer he had spilt as they collected specks of dust and dirt.

  “Hmm…yeah… well it didn’t sound like nothing. What’s going on with Grace and you? Man! You and Grace, how did that happen?” Frank was acting so incredulous that Gabe really wanted to answer him back with the words that were on the tip of his tongue. How did that happen? Hmm, let me think. Probably similar to the way you and Alistair happened Frank, what do you think? But Gabe just answered quietly, almost under his breath.

  “It didn’t happen. Nothing has happened. Not really, I don’t think. I just spent a night camped out with her.”

  “What!” All the boys shouted at the same time but in different tones, independent of each other’s.

  “Yeah, well stay away mate. I know she is beautiful, I know you have loved her like forever. We all know that but you can’t man, it just can’t happen.” Dave gave his unwanted and unasked for opinion.

  “Man and you fell for it! Alistair’s girlfriend and all, give me a break Gabe. Did you tell her about the robbery? Did you tell her I got the box? You chose to blab to her over your own mates?” Johnny spat his
little speech with Frank nodding along. Gabe couldn’t speak, let alone argue back with the evident grand hypocrisy.

  Gabe thought of all the things he knew about Frank, Johnny and Dave that he could throw back in their faces in his own self defence but it seemed like too much effort. It would just devastate Gabe even more and he was too devastated already.

  “Bet she’s a right goer though eh Gabe. I’ll tell you what the girls like…” But Gabe wasn’t about to take any advice, let alone advice about women and relationships, off of Dave. And if he carried on talking like that, Gabe felt he would have no other option, other than to smack him in the face.

  They were all just totally selfish and the biggest bunch of liars, they lied so much that it seeped out of their pores and coloured everything they did. They were the sick ones, the deluded ones and they obviously didn’t give a shit about him. That is why he never told them about the wings! His instincts had always known not to trust them.

  Gabe hated them all then. As much as he had ever loved them, he hated them now to the same degree, if not more.

  Gabe took a swig of the beer and suddenly felt the need to get seriously drunk.

  “You are lovely and all that mate but really, it’s like an unwritten rule. There’s them and then there’s us. End of!” Dave was adamant.

  “There are those for who life is just a breeze, one long party. Then there are us and we get the gift of being able to smell the bullshit. They will all walk into good jobs whether they pass their exams or not because they’re connected with CEO daddies and daddy’s friends in high places. Whatever results we get, we will have to beg and demean ourselves for some shitty job or pray for some kind of miracle. They get to have all the stuff that’s in all the adverts and then tell us that we need that stuff too to be happy. So we save our money to buy it and it just makes them richer and keeps us poor. It is a game and they are always the winners. It is the way of the world and you can’t mix us, the plebeians and their masters. You can mix a lot of things together Gabe, in fact nowadays you can mix anything you want together, but the suits and the artists?” Johnny spoke like a sage of knowledge. Johnny was planning on being very rich, very rich indeed. One day. Then he would find a nice girl, till then it was all stepping stones.

  “I think she does like me.” Gabe tried to sound positive but inside he was crestfallen.

  “Oh pull the other one Gabe. She, out of all of them, is nothing like us,” said Frank with such an evil tone in his voice.

  Gabe didn’t even know why he was down here. The love had flipped to hatred. What Gabe felt for his friends now was more like disgust than compassion. The feeling he had being here with them, was making him feel sick to the pit of his stomach.

  They could say all they liked about Grace but something about that night had told him that there was something there, something special. But perhaps that was just wishful thinking on Gabe’s part. Was he just acting like some obsessive who believed that the object of his desire liked him back? Like one of those crazy stalkers that you hear about that stalk the beautiful and famous women thinking, preposterously, that they loved them back. That’s probably more what he had, some sort of warped vision of the whole thing.

  Gabe felt like his barriers were coming up against her again now. He didn’t want to be seen as some sort of head case. He didn’t want to be anymore humiliated. One huge personal rejection was just about all he could take this month.

  Gabe tried to refocus. He just had to finish up his sculpture, show his work at The Exhibition, pray that someone noticed him, maybe sell some paintings online, maybe do a part time degree, get a job, earn some money for him and his mum. Get out into the real world and grow up a bit. Maybe go travelling in a couple of years and get away from it all. Get away from all this, all this that was just bullshit. Go to that place he had always imagined existed.

  Gabe thought about his mum. Would she be ok, when and if, he left? Would she miss him, would she cope? Gabe, for the first time, started seeing things in a new light. His mother had never had any relationships as far as he was aware, no one in her life, and was that because of him? If he left and was responsible and gave her some of her freedom back then maybe she would find someone; when she didn’t have to care or worry about him anymore. He was holding her back from living her life to the full. She needed someone to love apart from him. He had to grow up. He had to get on with things, maybe ask another girl out, stay out of the house. Show his mum that he was independent now. Everything was changing. If one door closes another one opens. If Grace never spoke to him again, he had to get on with it. Live his life, move forward, head towards a better future. Pull himself together. What were the other choices? Turn into a sad little man, all twisted and deformed, drinking to get through life, isolated forever? Or what? Kill himself now and have done with it? Gabe had to concentrate on his art. It was his only possible road out to freedom.

  “Fuck the lot of you!” Gabe swiped a bottle of vodka out of the plastic bag that was lying sideways on the ground. He left them sat there and he didn’t turn back, not even when he got to the exit to see if he could picture them all as strangers because Gabe realised that they already were.

  Gabe was already half way home when he accepted that they weren’t following him. They didn’t care. They would have only run after him if he’d taken all the booze. They didn’t give a fuck. Gabe felt the relief wash over him like someone had pushed a stress release button. His body and limbs felt lighter and his chest, which had been puffed out high, released the static air and Gabe felt weak. He had cut the stings of the puppeteers and now he just felt like a boneless rag doll. They were gone now and now he had no one.

  “Might as well kill yourself now and have done with it,” a voice said in his head, so crystal clear and compellingly that Gabe heard the voice from outside of himself and turned to look who had said it. But of course there was no one there. But that thought, the thought of it all coming to an abrupt end, sent another wave of relief and release through him and if anything, made him feel much more stronger.

  There was always a way out. Frank knew it, Dave knew it; they all knew it. There was drink and there were drugs and they made you feel better, if only for a little bit. Then there was cutting yourself...that was a relief. But the ultimate relief from all this pain was so simple it was classic and hadn’t many of the heroes gone the same way? Suicide! Gabe had always thought of suicide as somewhat gory, sad and tragic. Selfish even. But from that split second revelation, he now realised that sometimes, it was the only way.

  Life could get too difficult, too hard. There was sometimes no way out, when all the doors had been slammed and locked shut. When the burning desire was sometimes too small and too far away, to ever think that you could make it. And sometimes, that light was just extinguished.

  Gabe felt that the light burning inside him was extinguished now. Off. Dark. Something within him had died.

  When Gabe got home the signs were not good. All the lights were off and the TV was on but with the volume turned down low. Gabe’s heart sank even further as he stepped through into the lounge. He knew before he had even seen what was there, he knew what he would find and he braced himself on instinct. But he was still not prepared.

  It had been a while, longer than usual. She had been doing so well for a few years now but it had obviously struck again and he hadn’t even seen it coming this time. He’d been so wrapped up in his own life, his own problems.

  Gabe sat down on the sofa next to his mum, who was still in her dressing gown. Not dressed, not in her office, not in the kitchen cooking or reading. Not out pottering in the garden or even looking out the kitchen window towards the horizon like Gabe noticed she usually did quite a lot.

  “You ok mum?”

  “Yeah, I’m alright darling.” His mum tried half-heartedly to raise a smile.

  “Is it back?”

  “Hmm…yes…I think so. The old black dog...the cloud. More like a bloody great, big black, storm cloud. I’
m so sorry Gabe.”

  “Don’t be sorry mum. It’s not your fault.”

  “But I feel like it is. And why now, right now. What with your exhibition and all that stuff with Grace and also your father. We haven’t talked in such a long time Gabe.”

  ‘”It’s ok mum really. Let’s just get you well eh? It’s just an exhibition and that’s all finished as much as it’s ever going to be finished. If I carry on painting now I’ll probably just ruin it, so best just leave it. I just need to get it all down to school. I don’t even have to go mum, really. Is there anything I can get you?” Gabe realised that there was no way now of getting it all down to the school if he didn’t have any friends to help him, it wouldn’t fit in his mum’s car... He’d have to hire a van, he still had some money left. It was achievable.

  “No Gabe, thanks, I don’t need anything, except perhaps a magic wand?”

  “Yes, I think I could do with one of them too, I’ve seen the odd one or two lying around over the years. Shall I go and have a look? Cup of tea?” Gabe laid a hand on his mum’s knee. He stood up and disappeared into the kitchen.

  “Thanks Gabe, you’re a good boy you know.” Despite her mood, Gina brightened a little at her son’s humour.

  Gabe didn’t feel like a good boy, he felt like he was, must be, kind of bad. That everything that happened to him was some kind of punishment for something.

  Gabe tried to think things through but the more he thought, the more confused he got.